This is a late posting. I wrote it at 3 months postpartum but haven't wanted to post it until now, almost 8 months postpartum but here it is:)
During my pregnancy I couldn’t practice as much as I liked. I was teaching a fair amount and found the teaching to be enough for me. Once I gave birth I couldn’t wait to be back on my mat. At my four week postpartum visit, my midwife gave me the go ahead to go to a yoga class. I was so excited to be back on my mat and to be surrounded by my familiar yoga community. My physical yoga practice was advanced before getting pregnant -- I knew it would be different but I never would have guessed just how different. The experience that I had at that first class postpartum was eye opening and humbling.
Going into the class I expected my body to be different, I
would take it slow, stay in child’s pose if I had to, I had no problem with
that. The class started off with cat/cow. Usually the action of rounding and
arching my spine is one of the most delicious things I can do for my front and
back body. The sensations that I experienced were anything but comfortable. As
I dropped my belly towards the earth I felt a tightening all across my midline.
I stopped immediately and moved to rounding my back, it didn’t round, it felt
stuck and choppy, the actions felt awkward. We continued on in a nice flow, but
I found myself modifying EVERYTHING even a gentle cobra, I chose child’s pose.
My practice had shifted. I was struggling to stay focused on
my breath, struggling to stop wondering what my peers would think. Prior to
pregnancy I had trained myself to find my breath and to not care what people
thought, I was confident in my practice. All of a sudden I was a beginner with
no midline, no stability, and barely any strength. I had to rediscover myself on the mat and
analyze a new role I played – I was (I am) a mom. I had shared my body with my
son for 9 months and now had to explore that body. My initial thought was “holy crap, what
happened to me” and of course I knew people would respond with “you just had a
baby, it’s going to be different.” The knowledge of this difference and
experiencing this difference are two very different things.
Postpartum is a tricky time for any woman but yoga has
taught me that nothing is consistent (we shape and shift everyday) and that we
are nothing. We are not the roles we play, the job we keep, or the way we
practice on our mat, we are nothing but an essence that evolves closer to
oneness as our physical world changes around us – including our bodies. Initially, I was embarrassed of how my
practice was not the fluid dance it once was. After a couple more public
classes, I came to realize that this seemingly backwards fall toward a beginner’s
practice was an evolution, a growth of wisdom. I have been reminded that no
matter how our bodies change that body should be celebrated because the
physical changes are signs of growth and wisdom. This goes for everything, not
only postpartum. If we all can accept the evolution of our bodies as we get older
(more wrinkles, more scars, more stretch marks) and view these changes as rites
of passage to being closer to our higher self, we can live more freely as we
navigate our way down a spiritual path.
…At 3 months postpartum I am still trying to find my midline
but that is okay.
